Tuesday, 26 August 2014

A child at heart

I'm essentially a child. I had gotten used, kind of, to the fact that I couldn't have access to my meds for my own safety. When I say gotten used to, I mean I had found a way to just not think about it too hard, to just accept it for what it is. But now, I've entered a hypomanic state. I'm not full blown manic - and it's fun. I feel happy, I have energy (I'm even knitting again!!!), it's great! And I talked to Andrea when it started and she agreed with my that my anti-crazy pills weren't needed. Granted she did say they weren't needed "yet" she didn't say not at all. So today, tonight, I guess I am displaying more manic up signs and she decided that I needed to take my pills now. Her and Craig agreed that I couldn't be trusted to make my own rational decisions, and that I needed to take them. I didn't want to. After every single manic episode I get depressed. I just got over a severely suicidal depression phase. I don't want to do that again. I don't think I can do that again. I want to enjoy being happy for once. I mean, logically, I get it. I'm a mom, I have multiple responsibilities, I need to be able to be trusted. When I'm manic - I can't really be trusted. But I ducking hate being treated like a child. Not only do I not get to be in charge of my own meds and have possession of them, but I don't even get to determine when and if I take them. At the end of the day I am not in control, I'm reliant on the damn pills. I'm sick of it. I want to be my own person, not weighted down by mental illness. 

I saw a shrink last week. I haven't decided if I'm going to back...