Saturday, 27 September 2014

Nearly Debilitating Realization

So, we've been trying to figure out for some time what it is we want to do with our lives, where we want to live, all the things that I think you're supposed to have some sort of idea on already - but whatever. So I voice my opinion, and then about 15 minutes later I realize that my opinion then was completely different than it was 4 days ago, and frankly, is completely different than the one I possess right now. My opinions, or wants are very fickle and seem to be every changing.

So I started to get down on myself quite quickly for a bit. The both of them went to bed, and I was left alone on the couch. Where I began to think. It was around then that I realized that I have never really done much reading on Borderline Personality Disorder. I mean, I have done some reading about it, but I had always assumed that most of my issues that were due to my being bipolar, and borderline was secondary. So I read. Then I read some more and more, and then I read more. I read scientific articles, I read personal blogs, I read articles in health magazines - I read it all. I spent a significant amount of time reading. It occurred to me that though I thought maybe I was ultra rapid cycling, that perhaps my moods, my fickle wants, my everything, are more due to borderline than anything else. And at this point, after an evening spent reading, and a night spent soul searching that this is the case. Nearly everything about borderline seems to fit with me; and its not like Im just pulling this diagnosis out of thin air, it was one of the things I was diagnosed with however long ago it was, and that and bipolar II often go hand in hand.

So now, now not only have I not accepted a bipolar diagnosis completely yet; I find myself having to embrace something else. DBT/CBT keeps coming up as a way to deal with the extreme reactions and emotions that plague me, but nothing seems to give any advice on how to actually make important decisions, how to actually find what it is that I want in my own head.

I have multiple fears actually writing this realization down. Frankly, it is taking every ounce of whatever strength I have not to grab some of my stuff and head somewhere else and just live homeless. I even researched being homeless in a variety of cities last night. I'd rather be somewhere else having nothing than subject my family to, well, me.

I suppose looking up homelessness in various cities is better than looking up various ways to kill yourself though....

Monday, 22 September 2014

All Over The Place

So this entry may be all over the place....

I found a new reason to stay alive when I'm feeling extremely suicidal. One of my daughters is very very much like me. I worry that because of genetics she will have bipolar too when she is older. That thought scares me to my core. It makes me hate myself more than I already do. However, I also want to be around to show her that you can get through it. I don't want to kill myself and then have her be diagnosed with bipolar and have the added weight of knowing that her own mother couldn't get through it. It has worked once so far.

I saw Wiggers a little bit ago. We talked about the fact that my mood phases seems to last a few days or even a few hours. I ultra rapid cycle. It's exhausting. When my depression hits, it isn't like a slow roll into the depths of despair - its a crash right into hell. I can go from being 'okay' to writing goodbye letters in a matter of hours. Its terrifying, and I don't know how to handle it. He recommended doing a CBT of DBT type of group to help develop some skills so that I can better deal with my emotions. He also gave me a prescription for some meds that will 'pad' me when I'm feeling suicidal. They will cover it up, and let me exist for a little while longer. My fear is that I won't have the courage or want to take them because I'll just want to die anyways.

I am beginning to think that I never actually dealt with having a mental illness. I find a lot of my thoughts lately are of how unfair it is that I have to fight for every moment, when really I just want to be like everyone else. I know every one has their battles, and as much as I would adore a stress free life, I know that's not possible or realistic. What I am positive of is that what I deal with on a near daily basis can't be normal, and it's not fair. I've never actually accepted that, and I think, until I do I wont be able to deal with this whole thing with any level of competency. I don't know how to accept though. I just keep wanting to fight it, wanting it not to be true, wanting it to all go away.