Monday, 22 September 2014

All Over The Place

So this entry may be all over the place....

I found a new reason to stay alive when I'm feeling extremely suicidal. One of my daughters is very very much like me. I worry that because of genetics she will have bipolar too when she is older. That thought scares me to my core. It makes me hate myself more than I already do. However, I also want to be around to show her that you can get through it. I don't want to kill myself and then have her be diagnosed with bipolar and have the added weight of knowing that her own mother couldn't get through it. It has worked once so far.

I saw Wiggers a little bit ago. We talked about the fact that my mood phases seems to last a few days or even a few hours. I ultra rapid cycle. It's exhausting. When my depression hits, it isn't like a slow roll into the depths of despair - its a crash right into hell. I can go from being 'okay' to writing goodbye letters in a matter of hours. Its terrifying, and I don't know how to handle it. He recommended doing a CBT of DBT type of group to help develop some skills so that I can better deal with my emotions. He also gave me a prescription for some meds that will 'pad' me when I'm feeling suicidal. They will cover it up, and let me exist for a little while longer. My fear is that I won't have the courage or want to take them because I'll just want to die anyways.

I am beginning to think that I never actually dealt with having a mental illness. I find a lot of my thoughts lately are of how unfair it is that I have to fight for every moment, when really I just want to be like everyone else. I know every one has their battles, and as much as I would adore a stress free life, I know that's not possible or realistic. What I am positive of is that what I deal with on a near daily basis can't be normal, and it's not fair. I've never actually accepted that, and I think, until I do I wont be able to deal with this whole thing with any level of competency. I don't know how to accept though. I just keep wanting to fight it, wanting it not to be true, wanting it to all go away.

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