Saturday, 27 September 2014

Nearly Debilitating Realization

So, we've been trying to figure out for some time what it is we want to do with our lives, where we want to live, all the things that I think you're supposed to have some sort of idea on already - but whatever. So I voice my opinion, and then about 15 minutes later I realize that my opinion then was completely different than it was 4 days ago, and frankly, is completely different than the one I possess right now. My opinions, or wants are very fickle and seem to be every changing.

So I started to get down on myself quite quickly for a bit. The both of them went to bed, and I was left alone on the couch. Where I began to think. It was around then that I realized that I have never really done much reading on Borderline Personality Disorder. I mean, I have done some reading about it, but I had always assumed that most of my issues that were due to my being bipolar, and borderline was secondary. So I read. Then I read some more and more, and then I read more. I read scientific articles, I read personal blogs, I read articles in health magazines - I read it all. I spent a significant amount of time reading. It occurred to me that though I thought maybe I was ultra rapid cycling, that perhaps my moods, my fickle wants, my everything, are more due to borderline than anything else. And at this point, after an evening spent reading, and a night spent soul searching that this is the case. Nearly everything about borderline seems to fit with me; and its not like Im just pulling this diagnosis out of thin air, it was one of the things I was diagnosed with however long ago it was, and that and bipolar II often go hand in hand.

So now, now not only have I not accepted a bipolar diagnosis completely yet; I find myself having to embrace something else. DBT/CBT keeps coming up as a way to deal with the extreme reactions and emotions that plague me, but nothing seems to give any advice on how to actually make important decisions, how to actually find what it is that I want in my own head.

I have multiple fears actually writing this realization down. Frankly, it is taking every ounce of whatever strength I have not to grab some of my stuff and head somewhere else and just live homeless. I even researched being homeless in a variety of cities last night. I'd rather be somewhere else having nothing than subject my family to, well, me.

I suppose looking up homelessness in various cities is better than looking up various ways to kill yourself though....

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