Tuesday, 4 November 2014

I dont want to need at all

I have this song stuck in my head for going on 3 days now..

All American Rejects "It ends tonight"

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
 -------------------------


I go see wiggers tomorrow. I have spent the last like 2.5 days in bed, only getting out when I have to. I haven't brushed my teeth. Haven't changed my clothes. What's the point? I'm not eating or drinking - I don't even feel hungry or thirsty when I'm around food or water anymore. Part of it is punishment for being such an awful person. Awful people don't deserve food. 

I wonder what the kids think? They don't ask about me a lot. They are probably used to my being broken. I am not the primary caregiver. I am not the breadwinner. I am nothing.

Andrea brought up, again, reapplying or challenging the CPP disability decision. But then what? Sure it alleviates *some* of the financial worry, but it also means I have to admit to myself that I am too broken to work like a functioning member of society. I know already on some level that I am - otherwise I would still  have a job. But to actually admit it. To be one of 'those' people who aren't even strong enough to fight the battles taking place in their own heads. That just screams failure. I already am one.

I don't know what I'm going to say to wiggers. Andrea said she is going to email or call him. I'm afraid of him finding out the truth. Afraid of being put in a hospital. I'm sure I belong there. I can't take care of my own basic needs, and I'm nearly always suicidal. It's unfair. I'm over this. What the fuck did I do in some past life to deserve to be so broken? Why am I not strong enough to fight this? This is all my fucking fault. All of it is. Every single piece of it. Everyone is miserable and suffering because of me.

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