I have another appointment with Wiggers tomorrow. It's a follow up appointment. He said at the last one that he thought I may do better if he was keeping closer tabs on me, well, he didn't say it like that - but he feels he needs to be following me closer. So I need a babysitter.
Andrea says that it's night and day from my last appointment. And it is. I have had ECT twice now. I've been confused, disoriented, and just really not all there after both of them. My anxiety is back in full force, I'm a grown woman who is afraid of the dark, and the weird perception issue I have (I learned it's called Alice in Wonderland Syndrome) is back quite strongly and annoyingly. Yes, things are better. I am glad to be moved, I am glad to be working again to have something to fill my time - but really, I wonder what has changed?
I was laying in bed last night and I was realizing just how screwed up all of this is. No I am not suicidal, but what has changed? I still don't have a job that makes me happy. I still feel like I'm ruining my kids. I still feel like I'm ruining Andrea. I still feel like an awful person. All the bad things are still there. It's just like my brain isn't smart enough to bring them to the forefront anymore. It's like the ECT and the drugs just kill parts of my brain - they don't actually cure anything.
I'm aware my brain malfunctions. I am aware it doesn't work properly. But the thing is, it's my brain. This is how my brain is - and shouldn't it, on some level, be allowed to function in whatever way it was meant to function in? I think some people need to be on this planet or around just to serve as examples for other people, as a comparison point for their own lives. Not every person, not every brain can function the same. Maybe mine is just one of those that is meant to be sick. I feel less like myself when I am getting ECT or taking lots of drugs. I just feel like I am existing, and sure that may be better and easier - but it certainly doesn't feel like the right thing to be doing. Maybe this isn't my purpose. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. I don't know. I don't know anything except that no matter what I do it's never the right thing.
Wiggers will probably increase my dose of Prozac tomorrow. I'll probably be allowed to stop ECT for now and just do it on an as needed basis. Nothing will really come of the appointment tomorrow. I'll just tell him that I'm no longer suicidal and Andrea isn't as worried and doesn't have to stress about me as much anymore - and really it's those things that everyone cares about, not whether or not I feel like myself.