Oh My Life.
So I saw wiggers, and I lied to him, told him everything was okay and that I didn't want ect regularly, but would do it on an as needed basis. I told him where we had moved and he called my life idyllic. He seemed to happy that I was doing well and made the assumption that I was better before I even spoke. So I didn't want to disappoint him. I did email him later and confess, and still maintained that I didn't want ect.
I got quite bad, and quite low. I wrote a letter, it's in my drafts in my inbox, and is still there. It's the first time I've actually completed one, usually I just start them, but this time I did it all. I even tested out knives to see if any were sharp enough - they aren't. And then I chose to go upstairs and hold Andrea really tightly and ride out the awful feelings. And they passed. And now I need to make a place to get through another down. Every time they come - I get closer, and don't think I can get any closer than I was, I need some time to distance myself.
As a fun aside, I feel the beginnings of a hypomanic episode starting - which usually always indicates a crash when it's done. So I am trying to head that off and stop that. Even though I really enjoy the increase in energy, and the feel good feelings. It's nice to feel good, but I know it's not good for me in the long run. At least right now I know that. If I get 'higher' I may not know that, and may just want to ride it out like I have in the past, that's really not good for me. So I'm keeping tabs on it, checking my thoughts and actions.
This is my life - and it's exhausting. I emailed wiggers about that meditation course I want to go to and he said he would fill out the forms for me, so I put myself back on the waitlist. I also emailed several counselors and therapists and am meeting with one of them this wednesday - we will see what comes of that. I am not sure how I feel about doing therapy again - for a variety of reasons, but everyone things it will help me so I will try. I do want to get better, and in my better moments I believe it's possible. That's why while I'm feeling good, but not too good, I want to try to do everything I can and set up everything I can to keep myself this way. I am no help to myself when I am down.
Every day is another series of breaths.