Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Fear

You know, being down is easier. It's easier because it's normal, it's what I'm used to. At the same time that it's easier it's also impossible because I don't want to be alive any more and it's painful in mental, physical, and emotional ways. But it's easier. I know what to expect - even if dealing with it is astronomically difficult. Now that I'm "well"...things are harder. I live in constant fear pretty much of something, anything, affecting my mood and starting a downward spiral back into a depressive episode. I worry I'm not getting enough sleep, I know I'm not drinking enough water. I worry when my patience with the kids wears thin, I worry when Andrea and I seem to frustrate each other. I know it's going to come back, but I need to learn how to live the inbetweens not in fear but instead in appreciation for what I have in the moment. That is proving challenging for me.

I also haven't adjusted to being happy, being well. It's a wonderful feeling. I can actually feel the happiness in my body, physically, most of the time. But I'm not transitioned to it fully yet. It's like I have to re-get to know myself. I saw a video in which the guy speaking said the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's vitality - and I realized how true it was. When depressed I don't want to, and frankly don't, do anything. Sometimes I want to do things, but I don't really, I can't make myself. Now that I am out of that - I have to find what I like doing again. The ECT has changed the things I like doing, it's changed who I am, so I have to get to know myself and find hobbies, and activities that I like. I know that means trying things, but I am so afraid of failing because what if the failure catapults me into another depression. I know the things I used to like, and I'm trying to pick those up again, but I am wondering what else is out there.

My whole family is having to adjust too. It's hard on everyone, and sometimes I forget that. Just like I have to get to know myself as a new person - so do they, and that's going to take some time.

This whole thing just sucks - I mean I'm glad I'm doing well now, and I'm sure my family is fine with making the adjustment because I am doing better, but really, I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this at all.

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Stability?

I think I'm doing all right. For the majority of the last couple or so weeks I have been mostly stable. There is still the constant insulting and putting down of myself that goes on in my head but that's typical and normal for me. My moods though have been pretty constant - I think I might have found something that works. This prozac and latuda combo might be the one I've been looking for all along. However, about 1.5hours after taking it I get this extreme fatigue and exhaustion so I switched and started taking it at night so I wouldn't be falling asleep at my desk at work. It's only been a couple days of that change. Andrea is paranoid that it will change how it works, but I felt I needed to try.

Wiggers also sent in the forms for the Viassanna meditation course I want to take. He emailed me and told me I had two (or more) disqualifying conditions but that he asked them to make an exception because he thinks I can handle it. He really is a great doctor. I have the upmost respect for him.

I need to get a hold of my bitchiness - I feel I have been a bitch to most people, including myself, lately. I just feel so aggressive and cranky inside. Right now I am going with still getting used to being back at work - but I don't know how much longer I can use that excuse....