Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Fear

You know, being down is easier. It's easier because it's normal, it's what I'm used to. At the same time that it's easier it's also impossible because I don't want to be alive any more and it's painful in mental, physical, and emotional ways. But it's easier. I know what to expect - even if dealing with it is astronomically difficult. Now that I'm "well"...things are harder. I live in constant fear pretty much of something, anything, affecting my mood and starting a downward spiral back into a depressive episode. I worry I'm not getting enough sleep, I know I'm not drinking enough water. I worry when my patience with the kids wears thin, I worry when Andrea and I seem to frustrate each other. I know it's going to come back, but I need to learn how to live the inbetweens not in fear but instead in appreciation for what I have in the moment. That is proving challenging for me.

I also haven't adjusted to being happy, being well. It's a wonderful feeling. I can actually feel the happiness in my body, physically, most of the time. But I'm not transitioned to it fully yet. It's like I have to re-get to know myself. I saw a video in which the guy speaking said the opposite of depression isn't happiness, it's vitality - and I realized how true it was. When depressed I don't want to, and frankly don't, do anything. Sometimes I want to do things, but I don't really, I can't make myself. Now that I am out of that - I have to find what I like doing again. The ECT has changed the things I like doing, it's changed who I am, so I have to get to know myself and find hobbies, and activities that I like. I know that means trying things, but I am so afraid of failing because what if the failure catapults me into another depression. I know the things I used to like, and I'm trying to pick those up again, but I am wondering what else is out there.

My whole family is having to adjust too. It's hard on everyone, and sometimes I forget that. Just like I have to get to know myself as a new person - so do they, and that's going to take some time.

This whole thing just sucks - I mean I'm glad I'm doing well now, and I'm sure my family is fine with making the adjustment because I am doing better, but really, I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this at all.

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