Friday, 19 June 2015


I will always push people away. It's what I do. That is the only thing I'm good at. I can wear anyone down eventually - over time. Even if it breaks me to do it. It's the ultimate punishment for a wretched existence.

Monday, 1 June 2015

Feeling for the day

How I feel about myself: destined to be pointless forever.

How I feel about others: envious.

How I feel about the world: hopeful

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

It's only one night.

Its that dark passenger that's lurking behind me stealing my motivation. It's the story of my life. I have so many things I want to do, so many things I should be doing, and yet, when I have the time - I don't take it because I always find an excuse: "it's too late" "I'm no good at it anyway" "it won't matter" "nothing's going to change" "what's the point" and on and on. So then I don't do anything. Nothing is accomplished and I have failed. 

I want to go to yoga. I want to meditate. I want to spend more time outside. I want to play my guitar. I want to listen to Steve's songs, I want to do my values book, I want to do my dbt book, I want to do my funeral director book, I want to read, I want to knit, I want to watch greys anatomy....I went to he's defeated instead.

There isn't enough time in the day. I work until 5, then dinner, then kids, by that time it's minimum 7:30 and there is no time to accomplish everything so I quit and do nothing.

I'm a lazy quitter. This is why I don't set goals. This is why I don't try new things. I don't stick with it. I fail. Sigh. 

The dark passenger is winning tonight and I'm hoping it's just for tonight. Hoping I wake up fresh and ready to try again but then tomorrow night will come and I'll have the same problem. I never do anything, I quit everything. I waste my time because I don't feel I'm worth any of it. 

Monday, 23 March 2015

My Hair

Back in October of 2009 I dreaded my hair for the first time. Hair has always been a thing for me. I have done multiple colours, tried multiple style and never really found anything that felt quite right. Then I met Andrea, she dreaded her hair and I convinced her to dread mine.

They eventually settled down:

I loved my dreads, for reasons I couldn't put my finger on. Then life got chaotic, I never learned to upkeep them, and asked Andrea to and she said no once and that was enough to send me into a fit of martyrism and I had her brush them out.

Shorty after this I cut off and donated about 10" to cancer patients which was very cool. My hair went through many changes, and during the 4 years of not having dreads I went through extreme emotional upheaval as this blog can certainly attest to.
 I then went to short and red, longer and black, long and natural (it actually got quite a bit longer than this picture on the left), and then I went short and red again.

It still didn't feel right. I was beginning to come out of my shell of bipolar hell and really wanted to begin to find myself. Yet, at every step of the way I would be angry with myself about my hair. I regretted taking my dreads out even while I was taking them out. I was going to have Andrea put them back in after my ECT was done, but I have come to realize that my ECT will never for sure be done, and why wait for that.

So I have dreads again. They are short, and crazy, and not really maintained. They are more freedom locks than anything else, as I hear that's the new name for neglect dreads. It sounds so small. But I honestly feel more right, and happier since having them back in. I feel more able to access my spiritual self, and actually have some confidence in being able to figure out what I want to do with myself and my life. I have done reading, as has Andrea, about the spiritual significance of hair - but that is mostly focused on having long hair. But there is something freeing about letting go of your hair, Letting it tangle and look chaotic - which so many people avoid. I am learning patience through this process, and honestly, it just feels like it's the way things are supposed to be. I have no intentions of ever taking these out.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Crisis Averted - For Now

A combination of an amazing support system, running, sleeping, time,  meds, and trying really hard got me out entering into a really bad place. Andrea struggled a bit in the beginning with her own emotions as my depression seemed to start to hit hard on the same day that Craig lost his job so it was like everything was going wrong...I felt bad; both for myself and for her. I honestly feel at times that I am ruining her life and how much easier it would be without me in it. Sometimes even on my good days I feel that way. I am a lot, even for me, to handle some times - and to have to handle me on top of the kids and the house and herself, I don't know how she does it.

For the time being I am in a better place again. I am taking my meds regularly, I am trying to run regularly, I am trying to identify when it is I need to actively do something tangible in order to distract myself. It is a constant battle, and one that I fight every day. It's especially prevalent if I am tired, so negative thoughts and feelings tend to hit me hard in the evenings when my brain and body are just too tired to keep fighting them and pushing them away. Andrea has been there to remind me it's just because I'm tired, and I am trying to recognize warning signs before it gets too bad.

I feel like a child, but at least I am a semi capable child now instead of one who lays in bed all day and never showers.

Friday, 30 January 2015

All Over the Place

My mood is all over the place. In the span of a few hours I can go from extremely suicidal to extreme energy levels. There is also a lot of rage in both states. I just feel angry - at myself, at others, at inanimate objects. I don't know what to do or what I need. Last night I went to my room at 8:00p because I needed to get away from people. I was feeling almost violent against them. I gave up what I was trying to do and instead just took myself away from them so I wouldn't do or say anything stupid. I woke up with same level of anger but the violence was directed at myself instead of others. I also have moments of feeling "fine", almost normal - if there is such a thing for me.

I don't know how to ask for help or what to do for myself. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will work. I am afraid to be around people because I am afraid of what I will say or what I will want to do. I am not afraid to be by myself because even if the violent feelings or the suicidal thinking continues I don't care about myself so I don't care what happens - regardless of how good or how much energy I have. I just don't care anymore.

This isn't a life. This is just waiting. Even in the good times there is fear and waiting for the next bad or the next whatever. If it's not suicidal thoughts it's the constant fear of their return. No, I am not suicidal right now, right now I care too much about the feelings of others and how it would affect the if I did. Right now I am just tired. I am tired of being around people, I am tired of being around myself. And I am angry. I am angry at myself, and will most likely take it out on those I am around - which will just cause me to feel worse about myself.

Maybe I should just go home and lock myself in my room for the night. Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Looking Up

So I had emailed wiggers when things started to slip, on Andrea's suggestion, to see if we could up my prozac just to get me through it. He said yes, to double it, and I did - for one day and started experiencing symptoms of hypomania - so I stopped that. After hypomania, which is always fun, is a hard crash and that's what I was trying to avoid. I did also start going to Bikram Yoga and running. I alternate one each day, or at least I have been for nearly a week - I hope to keep it up. When I am running I am actually envisioning where I want to be, I can see my goals (fitness and body wise) and they actually seem plausible to me, and I am looking forward to not only getting there but working my way there. With yoga, not only is it too hot and hard to actually think any stress related thoughts, I am also pushing my body really hard in awkward positions, which I think I need. I feel like I am doing a hard workout while I am there, even if the interwebz tells me I am not and that it's useless. They both serve such different purposes, but after reading all the 'bad' things about bikram, and how stupid and pointless it is, it makes it hard to really want to go, plus it costs money (though I have paid for a two week trial), and running doesn't. I do think that doing two very different workouts for the body - one quick and one slow is good for it, and will probably help me lose weight. It has helped me mentally thus far - it has also helped my craving of pizza. I pretty much want pizza like every freaking night now. OMG I would kill for some right now.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

No No No No No Please No

Its a slide. Not a crash. A slide back into the familiar. A slide back into the dark. I can feel it. I've cried about it. I've tried not to over think it (I'm failing, I'm a chronic over thinker). I'm *trying* distraction techniques. There is still a way out of this, there is still hope. It doesn't have to end so soon. I didn't take the happiness for granted but I certainly thought it would last longer than it has so far.

Andrea is upset - rightly so. She thought the good would last longer as well.

I don't know what to do. I missed my drugs for one day. One Freaking Day. It's like my dark passenger was just waiting at my door, waiting for a moment of weakness to come bursting through again - and those drugs, those were keeping my door shut. It got through, at least part way. It's here, at least partially.

Andrea suggested a work out - which I did last night, to release the endorphins and everything. She also suggested yoga as I had said that might help in the past. So many reasons not to do yoga though - cost being one of them. I'm trying to keep myself busy at work, I need to keep myself busy at home.

I don't think I can fight again. I haven't healed enough, I'm haven't built my strength up yet. I can't go through another full blown depression episode. I have a new job, I have responsibilities, I can't afford a depression episode right now.

I need to keep it away. I need to find strength. I have to do this. I'm not ready. It's not fair.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Familiar-ish Feelings

I'm experiencing, lately, some of the feelings I used to feel all the time before while depressed. Jealousy, insecurity, anger, resentment etc - but they all feel so different. Before when I was angry with myself I would go into a hate spiral, probably cut or starve myself and just let myself be consumed by the hatred until it had sucked everything from me. Now, I feel self hatred, only parts of me are motivated to actually try and fix it rather than just dwelling in it. It's weird. I don't, as of yet, have any tools in which to do this, but it's a start I think. Same thing goes for insecurity. I use to feel insecure all the time, but when I felt it I would view it as a sign of weakness and then use that as a reason I should not be alive anymore. I still view insecurity as a sign of weakness, but more in the sense of there is something I can do to improve it rather than this huge personality flaw that is destined to be with me forever.

It's a weird shift. It's hard not to worry that I will be sucked back into depression's grasp by feeling some of these more negative feelings, but it is foolish to believe that I can go through life and never feel anything negative. I have to learn how to handle these more negative emotions in a more positive healthy way, and I think having some motivation to do something to fix them or better myself is a great beginning to what is sure to be a very long journey of mine.