Friday, 30 January 2015

All Over the Place

My mood is all over the place. In the span of a few hours I can go from extremely suicidal to extreme energy levels. There is also a lot of rage in both states. I just feel angry - at myself, at others, at inanimate objects. I don't know what to do or what I need. Last night I went to my room at 8:00p because I needed to get away from people. I was feeling almost violent against them. I gave up what I was trying to do and instead just took myself away from them so I wouldn't do or say anything stupid. I woke up with same level of anger but the violence was directed at myself instead of others. I also have moments of feeling "fine", almost normal - if there is such a thing for me.

I don't know how to ask for help or what to do for myself. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will work. I am afraid to be around people because I am afraid of what I will say or what I will want to do. I am not afraid to be by myself because even if the violent feelings or the suicidal thinking continues I don't care about myself so I don't care what happens - regardless of how good or how much energy I have. I just don't care anymore.

This isn't a life. This is just waiting. Even in the good times there is fear and waiting for the next bad or the next whatever. If it's not suicidal thoughts it's the constant fear of their return. No, I am not suicidal right now, right now I care too much about the feelings of others and how it would affect the if I did. Right now I am just tired. I am tired of being around people, I am tired of being around myself. And I am angry. I am angry at myself, and will most likely take it out on those I am around - which will just cause me to feel worse about myself.

Maybe I should just go home and lock myself in my room for the night. Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Looking Up

So I had emailed wiggers when things started to slip, on Andrea's suggestion, to see if we could up my prozac just to get me through it. He said yes, to double it, and I did - for one day and started experiencing symptoms of hypomania - so I stopped that. After hypomania, which is always fun, is a hard crash and that's what I was trying to avoid. I did also start going to Bikram Yoga and running. I alternate one each day, or at least I have been for nearly a week - I hope to keep it up. When I am running I am actually envisioning where I want to be, I can see my goals (fitness and body wise) and they actually seem plausible to me, and I am looking forward to not only getting there but working my way there. With yoga, not only is it too hot and hard to actually think any stress related thoughts, I am also pushing my body really hard in awkward positions, which I think I need. I feel like I am doing a hard workout while I am there, even if the interwebz tells me I am not and that it's useless. They both serve such different purposes, but after reading all the 'bad' things about bikram, and how stupid and pointless it is, it makes it hard to really want to go, plus it costs money (though I have paid for a two week trial), and running doesn't. I do think that doing two very different workouts for the body - one quick and one slow is good for it, and will probably help me lose weight. It has helped me mentally thus far - it has also helped my craving of pizza. I pretty much want pizza like every freaking night now. OMG I would kill for some right now.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

No No No No No Please No

Its a slide. Not a crash. A slide back into the familiar. A slide back into the dark. I can feel it. I've cried about it. I've tried not to over think it (I'm failing, I'm a chronic over thinker). I'm *trying* distraction techniques. There is still a way out of this, there is still hope. It doesn't have to end so soon. I didn't take the happiness for granted but I certainly thought it would last longer than it has so far.

Andrea is upset - rightly so. She thought the good would last longer as well.

I don't know what to do. I missed my drugs for one day. One Freaking Day. It's like my dark passenger was just waiting at my door, waiting for a moment of weakness to come bursting through again - and those drugs, those were keeping my door shut. It got through, at least part way. It's here, at least partially.

Andrea suggested a work out - which I did last night, to release the endorphins and everything. She also suggested yoga as I had said that might help in the past. So many reasons not to do yoga though - cost being one of them. I'm trying to keep myself busy at work, I need to keep myself busy at home.

I don't think I can fight again. I haven't healed enough, I'm haven't built my strength up yet. I can't go through another full blown depression episode. I have a new job, I have responsibilities, I can't afford a depression episode right now.

I need to keep it away. I need to find strength. I have to do this. I'm not ready. It's not fair.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Familiar-ish Feelings

I'm experiencing, lately, some of the feelings I used to feel all the time before while depressed. Jealousy, insecurity, anger, resentment etc - but they all feel so different. Before when I was angry with myself I would go into a hate spiral, probably cut or starve myself and just let myself be consumed by the hatred until it had sucked everything from me. Now, I feel self hatred, only parts of me are motivated to actually try and fix it rather than just dwelling in it. It's weird. I don't, as of yet, have any tools in which to do this, but it's a start I think. Same thing goes for insecurity. I use to feel insecure all the time, but when I felt it I would view it as a sign of weakness and then use that as a reason I should not be alive anymore. I still view insecurity as a sign of weakness, but more in the sense of there is something I can do to improve it rather than this huge personality flaw that is destined to be with me forever.

It's a weird shift. It's hard not to worry that I will be sucked back into depression's grasp by feeling some of these more negative feelings, but it is foolish to believe that I can go through life and never feel anything negative. I have to learn how to handle these more negative emotions in a more positive healthy way, and I think having some motivation to do something to fix them or better myself is a great beginning to what is sure to be a very long journey of mine.