Friday, 30 January 2015

All Over the Place

My mood is all over the place. In the span of a few hours I can go from extremely suicidal to extreme energy levels. There is also a lot of rage in both states. I just feel angry - at myself, at others, at inanimate objects. I don't know what to do or what I need. Last night I went to my room at 8:00p because I needed to get away from people. I was feeling almost violent against them. I gave up what I was trying to do and instead just took myself away from them so I wouldn't do or say anything stupid. I woke up with same level of anger but the violence was directed at myself instead of others. I also have moments of feeling "fine", almost normal - if there is such a thing for me.

I don't know how to ask for help or what to do for myself. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will work. I am afraid to be around people because I am afraid of what I will say or what I will want to do. I am not afraid to be by myself because even if the violent feelings or the suicidal thinking continues I don't care about myself so I don't care what happens - regardless of how good or how much energy I have. I just don't care anymore.

This isn't a life. This is just waiting. Even in the good times there is fear and waiting for the next bad or the next whatever. If it's not suicidal thoughts it's the constant fear of their return. No, I am not suicidal right now, right now I care too much about the feelings of others and how it would affect the if I did. Right now I am just tired. I am tired of being around people, I am tired of being around myself. And I am angry. I am angry at myself, and will most likely take it out on those I am around - which will just cause me to feel worse about myself.

Maybe I should just go home and lock myself in my room for the night. Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

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