Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Familiar-ish Feelings

I'm experiencing, lately, some of the feelings I used to feel all the time before while depressed. Jealousy, insecurity, anger, resentment etc - but they all feel so different. Before when I was angry with myself I would go into a hate spiral, probably cut or starve myself and just let myself be consumed by the hatred until it had sucked everything from me. Now, I feel self hatred, only parts of me are motivated to actually try and fix it rather than just dwelling in it. It's weird. I don't, as of yet, have any tools in which to do this, but it's a start I think. Same thing goes for insecurity. I use to feel insecure all the time, but when I felt it I would view it as a sign of weakness and then use that as a reason I should not be alive anymore. I still view insecurity as a sign of weakness, but more in the sense of there is something I can do to improve it rather than this huge personality flaw that is destined to be with me forever.

It's a weird shift. It's hard not to worry that I will be sucked back into depression's grasp by feeling some of these more negative feelings, but it is foolish to believe that I can go through life and never feel anything negative. I have to learn how to handle these more negative emotions in a more positive healthy way, and I think having some motivation to do something to fix them or better myself is a great beginning to what is sure to be a very long journey of mine.

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