Wednesday, 14 January 2015

No No No No No Please No

Its a slide. Not a crash. A slide back into the familiar. A slide back into the dark. I can feel it. I've cried about it. I've tried not to over think it (I'm failing, I'm a chronic over thinker). I'm *trying* distraction techniques. There is still a way out of this, there is still hope. It doesn't have to end so soon. I didn't take the happiness for granted but I certainly thought it would last longer than it has so far.

Andrea is upset - rightly so. She thought the good would last longer as well.

I don't know what to do. I missed my drugs for one day. One Freaking Day. It's like my dark passenger was just waiting at my door, waiting for a moment of weakness to come bursting through again - and those drugs, those were keeping my door shut. It got through, at least part way. It's here, at least partially.

Andrea suggested a work out - which I did last night, to release the endorphins and everything. She also suggested yoga as I had said that might help in the past. So many reasons not to do yoga though - cost being one of them. I'm trying to keep myself busy at work, I need to keep myself busy at home.

I don't think I can fight again. I haven't healed enough, I'm haven't built my strength up yet. I can't go through another full blown depression episode. I have a new job, I have responsibilities, I can't afford a depression episode right now.

I need to keep it away. I need to find strength. I have to do this. I'm not ready. It's not fair.

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